Do We Really Need to Play the Game of Winning and Losing?

Discover How to Escape the Winning-Losing Trap, Embrace Your True Passions, and Live Life Authentically

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What inspired me to write this post is the overwhelming presence of advice on social media about how to be a “winner” and avoid being a “loser.”

Specifically, I was inspired to write this text after seeing a post written by one writer whom I follow and whose work I generally admire, and the post said: “Remember: you only lose when you give up.”

If you scroll through posts, you’ll find plenty of such advice, perfectly embodied by the quote:

“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” — Vince Lombardi.

Let me be clear — every perspective makes sense to some extent from a particular point of view, and this one is no exception. However, through this text, I want to offer a different, more humane perspective that isn’t so black-and-white or mechanical like the majority of them we are overwhelmed with. Ultimately, my goal is to encourage you to reflect and decide for yourself.

Do you really lose when you give up?

Here’s an example: my daughter attends a music school where she’s learning guitar. Her weekly schedule includes two hours of solfeggio and two hours of guitar practice, totaling four hours spread across four days per week. I find this to be quite a lot for an eight-year-old, especially given that she doesn’t enjoy it and dislikes the guitar.

My question is: if she quits, is she losing?

Of course, she’s giving up the chance to learn guitar at this time, but is that really a loss?

I wouldn’t say so because, by quitting, she frees up her time to do something she enjoys more, like attending drama school or singing in a choir — both of which she’s expressed much more interest in. From this perspective, quitting could be more of a win than a loss.

Similarly, if you were to stop writing, for example, would that be a loss? Not necessarily. It could mean you’re freeing up time and energy to engage in something else where you might be more successful —something you’re more likely to dedicate yourself to and ultimately to “win.”

Going beyond winning and losing

However, I believe that judging everything in terms of wins and losses isn’t the most appropriate approach. I find it too black-and-white, mechanical, and reminiscent of entry-level self-help. This perspective may make sense for a typical “achiever” mindset, typically driven by status and money. But do we really want to operate on that level, or is it time to step beyond?

Instead of judging everything we do through the lens of wins and losses, I believe we should be gentler with ourselves and more in tune with our intuition, passion, and what truly fulfills us internally. This should be the ultimate benchmark for guiding our actions and behavior — not what others expect of us or what is labeled as a “win” or “loss.”

Winning and losing define each other

Another reason why it’s meaningless to frame things in terms of winning and losing is that as long as we’re “winning,” we’ll also be “losing,” and vice versa. That’s because victory and defeat define each other.

This idea is beautifully expressed in the second verse of the Tao Te Ching, which I’ll quote partially:

“When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.”

Therefore, victory and defeat, success and failure, highs and lows — they’re all two sides of the same thing. We should view them this way, accepting them as they come and go, like waves on water. From this perspective, we can play the game if we choose, but at the same time, we’re aware that victories and defeats are fleeting states that transition from one to the other.

Recognizing this, we stop defining ourselves by them or assigning them too much meaning because if we see the world solely through the lens of victories and defeats, we’ll ultimately always lose. Our capacities will diminish over time, and eventually, we’ll face the inevitable end of life.

Addressing the trap of self-deception

Of course, someone might argue that relativizing victories and defeats is nothing more than a mechanism of self-deception. But whether that’s true is something we can only judge for ourselves. If we claim that something doesn’t matter yet frequently find ourselves disturbed by it, it’s a clear sign of self-deception. However, if we’re at peace with it and not emotionally triggered, that’s proof we’ve transcended it.

Winning and losing are all mental

In the end, victories and defeats aren’t defined by whether or not we achieve something. On the contrary, they’re determined solely by our mindset. Victory and defeat are mental states and nothing more.

A winner can feel like a loser even while winning, and a loser can feel like a winner even while losing.

For example, when I look back on my life, I don’t feel like a loser in any aspect, even though many people might disagree. By conventional standards, I’ve experienced several losses, but I don’t see them that way because I know I’ve always done my best, given my level of awareness and judgment at the time. And even if something could be called a loss, the experience of going through it is, to me, a victory.

But if there’s one true loss, it’s remaining enslaved to the rigid dichotomy of winning and losing. Because when we let these labels control us, we surrender our freedom — the freedom to define life on our own terms.

So, let’s remember this the next time we are called a “winner” or a “loser.” These labels are fleeting; they only hold the power we give them. True freedom lies in stepping beyond them.

Thank you for reading my story. I hope it encourages you to reflect and redefine what winning and losing truly mean to you.