Beyond the Last Turn

What lies beyond the last turn? A deep dive into mortality, meaning, and letting Go

Feb 24, 2025

This story is an addition to the tribute I wrote for my late father-in-law, which I recently published and can be found - here. Unlike that text, in this one, I will reflect on life, death, ego, meaning – and all the thoughts that went through my mind while I was present at the funeral.

Guns, Graves, and Goodbyes

The soldiers aimed their rifles at the sky, and then three gunshots echoed in perfect intervals before the coffin was lowered into the grave. Inside it was my father-in-law, who passed away a few days ago after a long and difficult illness. Though sadness was present, at least it's comforting to know that he no longer suffers.

I sometimes wonder what’s easier – for the deceased or for those of us who are left behind. Is it better to die suddenly or after prolonged suffering? Many long for a quick death so that they don’t know what happened – just to not wake up one day. On the contrary, in a slow death - there is pain. But there's also something beautiful – namely, I would love to be in a state where I could look at my life fully aware that everything I thought was important – actually isn’t at all.

“At this moment, lying on my bed and recalling my life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in have paled and become meaningless in the face of my death.” - Steve Jobs

In any case, no matter how we die, the result is the same – I realized this firsthand while watching the coffin and the open grave from the front row. I didn’t need to listen to the priest's words – it was all already familiar to me. I was in my own world, and then a thought crossed my mind: death is real, an inevitable event for all of us.

The Ego’s Last Battle Before Oblivion

Are we aware that in a few years or decades, we won’t be here? Who knows what kind of day our funeral will be, or what kind of weather will accompany us on our way out? Will people be able to leave work during working hours? Hopefully, there won’t be heavy traffic going to the cemetery. Maybe it’s better to take a cab. Also, what will the after-funeral gathering be like? I hope the food at the gathering will be good. It wouldn’t be pleasant if our death caused anyone digestive issues… the fact that someone has to organize and pay for the whole ceremony, though, is enough of a burden.

Yes, we will die; sorry for raising this up. This is certainly tragic news for us, to be more precise, for our ego. I believe it's hard to think about it, because how can the ego think about not existing anymore?

That’s why we avoid the topic of death by distracting ourselves with various activities and stimuli. This suppression may help for a while, until someone close to us passes away. Then we realize that death is real, and we are all destined for the same fate. That’s when the shiver runs down our spine, despite all the beliefs about the afterlife. Actually, do we really believe in an afterlife, or is that just our psychological defense mechanism – the only, albeit weak, comfort we have?

It is terrifying to think that we’ll never, ever exist again. But maybe it’s not like that, who knows. Maybe we’ll continue to exist impersonally as pure consciousness, or perhaps we’ll manifest as a plant, a giraffe, or some other animal. But I want to be me, a human, because I enjoy this life, despite all its problems. As someone once said – it’s better to live even in hell, than to not exist at all.

On the other hand, I realize that this hell is a self-creation, because it’s not some place where we could end up if we were evil, but rather, it’s a state of mind. I understand that all the drama I know, including the fear of death, I can thank my greatest and only enemy – myself. In other words, through my own interpretation of events, I am causing all of my troubles and frustrations, and now I am trying unsuccessfully to resolve them, instead of just living. Why am I doing this? It makes no sense at all.

That's why sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything. I wish I could break free from this vicious cycle, but how can I, when I manipulate myself so successfully? Looking at it from that perspective, sometimes I think it might be good for my ego to disappear, one way or the other, even if it means my body must also disappear—die.

I’m getting tired of its (my) twists that so often deceive me into thinking I’ve made progress, only to realize that I haven’t. But I can’t keep deceiving myself forever because death cannot be avoided. The ego will finally be destroyed, and that’s why it dramatizes everything, not wanting to think about its own disappearance. In fact, I no longer know whether I should think of death as annihilation or liberation.

It is annihilation only for the one who goes against our best interests. And that’s why it’s good to push it where it hurts by contemplating disappearance. Just imagine – we will never be alive again. Never! So what’s the point of this whole drama called the personal life story – which seems so important?

I believe that once we fully understand our own disappearance, there will be a possibility to change our perspective to the one where there are no "must-dos" and "must-haves." Of course, the ego will rebel and ask – if nothing matters, why do any of this? However, what someone sees through the lens of nihilism and futility, I will see through the lens of freedom.

Liberation or Just the End?

Thank you, death, for freeing me, and for being at the door, because if you weren’t, I’d probably still be bogged down in nonsense – just like I am right now.

As the heated trays of food are opening, appetizing smells fill the room, and I reach for fried chicken, roasted potatoes, and salad. Maybe it’s a bit too greasy and salty, but it’s delicious. I believe the deceased must feel relieved knowing that the guests have been properly fed.

Thank you for reading my story.